I guess I'll post this in marital issues. We have engaged 7 months now. We've been together over a year and a half though it seems like more than that. I left everything and everyone I knew to be with Mal. At first we both moved to Atlanta to live with my brother, we stayed there for four months, he wasn't able to find a job the whole time we were there and we didn't like it there much so we moved back to where he was from which is Austin, Texas. We got a nice two bedroom apartment, his brother came to live with us and then not too long afterwards my brother moved in also. Needing room for all of us and the baby we moved to a four bedroom town house. I just started working in November. I work 3 - 11, usually not getting home untill 11:30. I am up long enough to maybe eat, take a shower and then go to bed. I have to be up early the next morning and take care of our 8 month old son Corbin. There is maybe ond day out of the week that I get to spend time with Mal and that would be on Sunday. Sometimes I get it off but not all the time. So if we spend time together its maybe a few hours before I go into work. So I look forward to being able to spend time with him.
Now he is trying to start a band with his brother and his friend Mario and I'm being told I guess it won't happen because you demand 90% of my time and Corbin get 5% of my time, so I just don't have time to do anything with the band. How would that make any women feel. Yesterday he calls me from work, hey how about I call you when I get off work and you guys can meet me up at the music store and we can look around. GREAT I'm thinking, I finally have a reason to get out of the house and I'm being including in the band stuff. He calls me back and I remind him that Robby (his brother) probably won't be coming with us because he has plans to go to the mall with a friend of his. Then he tells me oh, just forget it then I'll save it for another time. I then told him Robby still isn't sure if he's going to the mall and that he can just come home and get Robby and he and Robby can just go. I realized it wasn't about me going and being included at all, I was only asked to go so that I can take Robby up there. I let him know this and I was told that I was being stupid.
It has now come to that whenever I feel like I'm not getting my needs met, which I've now been told I'm too needy, and I tell him how I am feeling that I get the I don't know why you feel this way and the why are you being so stupid. I am at such a loss. I told him from now on I'll just get the sitters to babysit Corbin while I am at work and I'll pick him up from there when I get off work. Because he had realized it isn't me that needs so much of his attention it was Corbin because he tends to Corbin when he gets home from work.
I mean what do I do. One day a week I need some of his attention or maybe 10 minutes of it when I get home from work. Our sex life is down to once a week if I'm lucky. I have no friends or family here. I have nowhere to go to spend time outside of the home besides going to work. God forbid I ask a few hours out of one day a week that some of his time and emotions be spent on me. He doesn't include me in any of the band ideas. So its not we can do both together. Card, flowers?? What are those. Like this morning I called him just to tell him I love him and I let him go. He then calls me later to tell me that I told Robby this band thing probably isn't going to happen because I don't have enough time to do it.
Now last night I switched nights with a co-worker because I had a migraine from hell. It had went away but then had come back. Of course he wasn't speaking to me because of the previous phone conversation about the music store bit. I was laying down because my headache was coming back and he then comes in and asks me to help him with his hair. He's putting his dreads back in (for the band) oh and he's back on his diet (for the band). Funny his brother can see all these things and agrees with me but Mal doesn't. So me feeling sick I get up and start doing his hair for him. I then told him I needed to stop because I was feeling so bad, he asks Robby to, well Robby couldn't do it right. He goes into the bathroom for a few minutes.. then he comes out and tells us he's going to just wash them out. So of course me being who I am I manage to get the rest of it done for him.
I am tired of feeling like I am giving all of myself to him and I can't get some attention from him one damn day out of the week with out being told I'm to needy. I mean what is a relationship anyway. I made the comment to him about Corbin and I getting an apartment and I told him I bet if I did that that I would never see him. So again I'm being stupid just even thinking about leaving. Why would you think of doing that? Why because I don't know what else to do. I find myself so alone. I feel so very alone, I don't have anyone to talk to that understands how I am feeling. I don't want to call my friends and cry to them about how miserable I am feeling. I don't seem to feel like he even takes the time to even try to understand just what I might be feeling or what I'm going through.
Is it time to shut down? Is it time to just act like he's not really here? Is that the way he wants our lifes to be together? Thats how people grow apart, I've been there done that already. I try to be apart of his life, not for him to have two seperate lives, but it seems to me thats the way he wants it to be. I wonder if deep down inside if he really wants us to be a part of his life at all. Though again, if I told him these things I'd just be thinking stupid and he wouldn't understand why I say feel these things. I mean its pretty bad when you hardly see someone at all and then they are telling you that you are too needy. Then I know one day he'll turn around and want time for me and I'm not going to be available, I will have found other things to spend my time on. I don't know, I just needed to vent all this stuff somewhere and you poor readers were the eyes I dumped all this crap upon. ....... ......................