Well by all means I'm not trying to find him a playmate. I won't say we've never had someone join us before, but I have told him no more. I told him that I can not do that if our relationship isn't o.k. That was not what I was having her come around for. I was hoping to meet this women, find out what all the damn hype is and either she'd be friends with us, or hopefully he would get over all the hang ups he's had about her ... all these years.

I did manage to get him to open up about his feelings on me not wanting her to come around anymore. He actually told me he understood. I asked him how he felt about her now, if he was still had feelings for her. He told me that now that he's gotten to know her a bit better he's been asking himself "Why was I so hung up on her, why all the fuss?" I told him it was probably because at that time, thats who he was. He smoked a lot of pot everyday and was down with taking any drugs he could get his hands on. She is still like that to this day, and David is not. So I believe he's realized that his life is different now. Wife, kids, house, and good job. I think he's realized he's not the same person when he dated her 5 years ago.

If David can't be faithful, then you have other decisions to make, like---can you stay and accept that this is how he's gonna be or is it time to head back to Ohio and say fukkit.

He hasn't cheated on me, since that San Marcos event. I've seen a lot of changes in him, but there are still some kinks. He says he wants to work them out and be a better husband to me. I am willing to work through it, as long as he is. But.. I'm sure if things don't get better there would come a time I'd have to say, he's not going to change, can I live with it or not, just like you said. I DON'T want to go back to Ohio, that is for sure. I cringe at the thought actually. So if I did go back there, then I would really feel I had no hope left in my relationship.

I love that song, I have sung it loudly many times but never put it into this situation.

I just thought I could stop all this having to leave places because he thought her saw her. Like I said, it was like living with a ghost. He came to me and said he wanted to look her up and for us to just be friends. I figured that if he wanted that and I said no that sooner or later he's going to run into her, or find her, and I didn't want him hiding that from me. I felt as if I'd have more control of the situation if I talked to her.

Now, I do know, he won't want to go running into the night if she happens to be the same place we are. I do know he realizes what he saw in her back then is not part of what he wants now.

See, I look at David's ex's then I look at myself and I'm really confused. I'm NOTHING like any of them. Most of them did drugs on a daily basis, where psycho, dressed more goth or punk than I ever had. But, you are right. I just need to realize that he has chosen me, like Simon chose you, and be content and happy with that and stop asking why.

I still have trust issues, not with him but with everyone. There was only one person in my life that I totally trusted and I know I could TOTALLY depend on them, no matter what, and that was my grandmother. She's no longer here for me to poor my heart out to and sometimes I just feel so lost without her. But that is another story.

We both know what its like to be burned, I think I just keep carrying all that shit around. I need to find some way to just wash it all down the drain and never let it come back up again.

"I just thought I could stop all this having to leave places because he thought her saw her."

I don't know quite what to think about this. Is it good that he leaves places in order to avoid temptation? Yes. But is it good that he disrupts dates with YOU over another girl? No. So I don't really know whether or not this behavior is appropriate or not. But I would lean towards 'no' because it's affecting your dates.

Good luck with him.

Thank you.

I don't think it will happen anymore. Now that I know her and now that he knows what she is now and how that doesn't fit into his life. I don't think there will be anymore temptation. I do think things will get better. It hasn't been too long, but so far so good.

From my perspective, your husband wanting to have any kind of contact with a woman he still apparently obsesses over should have been a great big honking warning sign. I can't imagine why anyone would go along with that. That looks like a path nothing good could come from.

I was hoping to meet this women, find out what all the damn hype is

You'd not necessarily see anything, because you are looking at it through your eyes, and experiencing it through your emotions. Chemistry is an elusive and personal thing.

He told me that now that he's gotten to know her a bit better he's been asking himself "Why was I so hung up on her, why all the fuss?"

I'm not sure I would believe him at this point. After he was secretly contacting her? After he and she were making fun of you behind your back? After she told you what you wanted to hear, what makes you think he isn't doing the same? In fact, I'd be very suspicious if he hadn't already been in contact with her, if he wanted to run because he didn't want you two to run into each other because you might notice something because he was already in contact with her, and the whole getting you to meet her was just a ruse so that he could stop that charade and feel he'd no longer have to worry about it.

This whole thing smells to high heaven. Put your foot down. No more contact with her from either of you and he'd damn well better not be texting or IMing her on the sly.

Seriously, this whole thing is fishier than Sea World.

I agree with Gene. Fishier than Sea World. I like that line, too.

Seriously, this whole thing is fishier than Sea World.

Well I can't say I have my doubts here and there but I like to think I do still have some trust in my husband. If not, then why should I even stick around. Trust me I probably question everything more than anyone. I do know who he talks to. I am trying to change myself and not check on his stuff anymore. I do know that she nor he have messaged each other. Not as of a few days ago anyway. I am not having any contact with her, unless we happen to be at the same place at the same time. I doubt that will happen in the near future.

I do know from experience what the process is when you cheat. I was unfaithful to my exhusband. I do believe and know from experience that people can change. I have told him how I feel about this WHOLE thing. I do know he contacted her behind my back YEARS ago, but at that time, it was all hey how have you been, whats happened in your life the past year or so.. etc. Yes, it hurt my feelings he did that behind my back, but knowing me, and how I can react.. who knows. I am a very open person, he is not, we are working on this.

I don't expect everything to be roses all the time, I do expect honesty from him. He's going to talk to who he wants to talk to, I can't tell him.. you can't talk to this person. I can tell him how it will effect me and or our relationship if he does. I can only hope that he makes the right decisions with whoever he talks to. I have to learn to trust, but not be stupid or put up blinders at the same time. I feel I need to find a way to build some faith in my marriage. Its a hard road, since lines have been crossed.

I do think if I continue to say hey, you can't do this, you can't do that, you can't talk to this person, etc, he's going to clam up and say screw it. I can't do anything right, so why bother.

I just clicked on this out of whimsy then read the article and replies.

My take on this is, why would you want this woman back in your husbands life? If husbands is happy with you, why would he want her back in his life, when he knows this is painful to you?

I don't need to know the answers to these two questions, but I suggest you ask them to yourself and answer them too.

Peace to you,

MM

If that's how you really feel, Angela, this is a very valid question

No, no, I ment, thats how he's going to feel if I keep nagging about it. Not, how I felt.

My take on this is, why would you want this woman back in your husbands life? If husbands is happy with you, why would he want her back in his life, when he knows this is painful to you?

Good questions. Thank you.

"I have to learn to trust"

Did you trust him to start with, or did he break your trust? I figure, from the story, he broke it. So, years, decades, whatever it takes to gain your trust back (great job he's doing with that, talking behind your back, etc.) is on HIM, not YOU. Did YOU behave in such a way that you can't trust him? No. He did, and continues to. So check his stuff. Ask questions. Tell him he can't talk to someone, and the consequences if he does. He obviously needs someone to make him be good, so why enable him to do wrong? If he's not doing anything wrong, why would he care if you check his stuff, or ask questions? You're just being a concerned and loving wife, "Oh, how was your day dear? What did you do at work today? What did you do after work?" etc. You know you want to know anyway, but if you listen carefully to his answers you should be able to tell when something is out of whack.

The day I do something to make my wife do that, I WILL be divorced. Probably castrated, too, but that's beside the point.

But, magical is NOT divorced in a situation that you probably would be. So she needs to act differently.

Anyway, it doesn't take long to earn back trust, and having an open kimono about both of your lives is the best way to build it. He should be OFFERING to share everything with you, so that YOU feel better. I guess if he's not doing that, you can either ask for that or you shouldn't snoop at all. Communication is key in any relationship, and going behind his back probably won't help the situation any. All it will do is give you ammunition against him, instead of keeping him from doing wrong in the first place.

So, as an amendment to my previous statements, up to and including this one - strike everything I have ever said.

lol well thank you for striking that because as was said, if you knew the man you were talking about those suggestions are hillarious. Here's a real twist on the story, he knows that I read his history. I have a program that he can't go in and delete his history.

But I don't want to do that anymore, I don't want to feel I need to do that. Yes, he has broken my trust on many occasions, but I have to stop. I'm not meaning he's cheating on me. I am holding on too tightly and I realize this. No, I'm not putting all the blame on me, but as it usually happens, I do start looking at myself and see what I can do to help my own situation. I do know its a two way street here, but I do have to start with myself at some point.

No, I haven't broken his trust, if I did he's be sure to point it out. He does however know my past and I wouldn't be surprised if he questions me sometimes, though he's told me he knows how loyal I am to him.

Trust may NEVER be regained, even if the offending party lives the rest of their life as a saint. Also, some people can carry a grudge forever...and never really trust anyone in the first place.

I know I don't want to be like that. I know I do have trust issues, going all the way back from when I was a child.

Trust is one of those things that for me has to be 100% either you trust or you don't, as soon as you start to put codicils or amendments on trust as in " I trust him or her except blah blah blah. trust does not exist. IMO